Weird Dreams

Good Dream Bad DreamI had the most bizarre dream the other night.  I only remember vague details, but what I remember was bad enough.

In the dream, I was at work and there was a “thing” that I needed to hide from everyone.  A colleague had found out, but was in an accident that left him in a coma, and I was relieved that he hadn’t told anyone.  He started to heal (because in the dream, he had super-healing abilities, like Wolverine in X-Men) and, to stop my secret from being revealed, I cut off the top of his skull and adjusted his brain so that he wouldn’t remember.  He woke up and we were talking about the “thing” I was hiding, but he didn’t remember who did it.  I was so relieved, and also terrified that he would eventually remember.

Then, the scene changed and I was with a group of people standing on the roof of a large stadium arena.  An old school friend (who I hadn’t thought about for years) was there, and for some reason he knew about the “thing”, and that I was guilty.  I talked to him for a while and he then, to keep my secret, jumped off the roof of the stadium to the ground below and died.  I remember feeling happy that my secret was not going to be revealed – not sad that my friend had jumped, but happy for myself.

I woke up at that point and felt sick to my stomach about how cold and heartless I had been in the dream.  It took me a while to convince myself that it was only a dream.  I even looked my friend up on Facebook to find that he was okay.  (He is fine, BTW 🙂 )

I have been having vivid and disturbing dreams lately, and I think it is probably down to the work I am doing in therapy.  Therapy can be a wonderful, cathartic experience but it does tend to unearth some deep feelings that the brain has to work out.  I have old, deep, feelings of guilt, shame and fear that I have been dealing with lately so it is no surprise that these things are manifesting in my dreams.  I wasn’t going to blog about this, but I changed my mind because, well, screw it.  I am not afraid anymore to express my fears and anxiety and face rejection or judgement, thanks to a supportive family and good therapy.

If you do want to judge me, go ahead, enjoy yourself.  Oh, and also GFY! 🙂

Leaving the therapy nest…

I am coming to the “end” of my therapy sessions, and I don’t really know how to feel about it.  My therapist is going to be starting maternity leave in August, and I have such a great rapport with her, I don’t feel like I want to switch to another therapist, so I am coming to the end of the line for this course of sessions.  While I feel like I have probably gained enough tools to be able to maintain and deal with my depression & anxiety, and I have been doing a lot better lately, I still have some trepidation about flying solo.

I have considered support groups, both online and in-person, but I don’t know how I feel about it.  I enjoy being able to talk about what I am going through with people that understand and getting that extra support, but I know how much of a natural emotional “caretaker” I tend to be.  I’m concerned that I will end up taking on everyone else’s burdens and lose the progress I have made.  I don’t know enough people who have been to support groups to be able to get good feedback – I may just have to take the plunge and try some.  Finding ones local to me has been difficult, but there are a few possibilities.

One option I am considering is just sticking to an online groups for now, that way I can detach if I start to get overwhelmed.  There is a podcast that I listen to (“Mental Health Happy Hour” – mentalpod.com) that is awesome, and has a good online forum.  The forum is well moderated, so it keeps it genuine and non-judgmental.  I think I’ll throw myself into that for a while and see how it goes…

As always, feedback would be appreciated 🙂  Talk to you all again soon…