Bad day

jester_by_incross-d63b842Today is a bad one… I manage to get myself up and out to work, but I am really struggling to get a grip on my depression today.  There are some days where everything comes easy, and some days where everything seems hard.  Today is the latter.  I didn’t sleep well, had bad dreams, and then woke up early.  I have been in a downward spiral ever since 😦  Everything seems a little…bland right now, like there is no point of purpose.  I know that this is my brain lying to me, because I know that I have many wonderful things and people in my world.

Luckily, I have a wonderful spouse who understands and doesn’t hate me for it.  Besides, I hate myself enough for both of us.  This is one of the few times that I have blogged while in the grips of a down day – I usually can’t bring myself to do it.  I want this blog to be honest, so I am just typing how I feel and not worrying about editing.  Forgive me if I seem down on myself right now, only I feel like a complete piece of shit and hate everything about myself.  Okay, that might be overstating a little… I just hate how I feel about myself right now.

I am going to do the only thing I can do… slap on my jester’s cap, do a silly dance and wear the “happy” mask for the sake of my job.  If I do it long enough, I might start to fool myself.  I’ve done it before, I can do it again.

This too shall pass…

Leaving the therapy nest…

I am coming to the “end” of my therapy sessions, and I don’t really know how to feel about it.  My therapist is going to be starting maternity leave in August, and I have such a great rapport with her, I don’t feel like I want to switch to another therapist, so I am coming to the end of the line for this course of sessions.  While I feel like I have probably gained enough tools to be able to maintain and deal with my depression & anxiety, and I have been doing a lot better lately, I still have some trepidation about flying solo.

I have considered support groups, both online and in-person, but I don’t know how I feel about it.  I enjoy being able to talk about what I am going through with people that understand and getting that extra support, but I know how much of a natural emotional “caretaker” I tend to be.  I’m concerned that I will end up taking on everyone else’s burdens and lose the progress I have made.  I don’t know enough people who have been to support groups to be able to get good feedback – I may just have to take the plunge and try some.  Finding ones local to me has been difficult, but there are a few possibilities.

One option I am considering is just sticking to an online groups for now, that way I can detach if I start to get overwhelmed.  There is a podcast that I listen to (“Mental Health Happy Hour” – mentalpod.com) that is awesome, and has a good online forum.  The forum is well moderated, so it keeps it genuine and non-judgmental.  I think I’ll throw myself into that for a while and see how it goes…

As always, feedback would be appreciated 🙂  Talk to you all again soon…

The rest of my life – Day 1

I haven’t written for a few weeks, mostly because I have been travelling but also because I have felt empty of words.  We flew to England on 4/21, had my brother’s funeral on 4/24, flew back on 4/28, drove down to CA on 4/30, had Grandpa’s funeral on 5/1 then drove back 5/2.  Phew, just typing it makes me tired.  It has been a physically and emotionally exhausting month, and it had an affect on me.  Yesterday, I had one of the worst depression days I have had in a long while.  I ended up leaving work before noon, coming home and falling into the loving arms of my wife (who is fricking awesome, BTW).  It is only the second time I’ve cried since I got the news about my brother (the first being during the funeral).  I only cried a few tears yesterday, but the emotional outpouring was huge.

I woke this morning feeling somewhat better, with a determined attitude to do everything I can to not have a day like that again.  I have contacted my doctor about reviewing my meds (he is trying an increase for now), scheduled my first counselling session and bought a fitbit flex, as part of my “get off your arse and lose weight” plan.  I am also going to make an appointment to discuss getting a CPAP machine, as I had to stop using the mouth-guard for my sleep apnea, due to the pain it gives me.

I am treating yesterday as day 0, the end of a part of my life where I let things slip and allow myself to be at the mercy of my emotions and the start of a new era.  I am drawing a line and moving on.  Today is day 1 of the rest of my life, and I am only looking forward.  Will I fail from time to time?  Probably, but I have my family and friends and I will get up again.

To be continued…