Anxiety Dreams

1273941451_1

Lately, I have been having rather vivid, disturbing dreams centered on being rejected by those I love the most.  I know that this is coming from a place of post-therapy anxiety, and I know that they are not real, but I can’t help being affected by them.  My dreams have been mostly centered on my wife not wanting to be with me for one reason or another.  She avoids me more and more until I end up begging for her to be honest with me about how she feels.  She eventually admits that she doesn’t care about me and leaves me.

These are dreams, they are not reality (not even close) and I have a great relationship with my wife, but every time I wake up from one of these dreams I feel rejected and incredibly sad and depressed.  This morning I was able to “shake it off” and get up and go to work, but it was not easy.  I gave my wife a big hug before I left, which helped me feel more “connected”.  I am feeling full of anxiety this morning and I am hoping that I can get a grip on it – the last thing I want to do it have to leave work early again.

People that don’t have anxiety issues don’t really understand the impact that something like can have on your state of mind, which (for me) is a huge factor.  My anxiety makes me worry about things that probably won’t happen, it makes me feel like I can’t take any course of action because they all seem too difficult, or that they will all end badly.  When I have clear vivid dreams that literally show me those bad things happening, it multiplies the sense of dread that I feel by a factor of 10.

I think that today is a good day to use the “Upbeat” playlist that I have on my iPhone, focus on work and cuddle with my wife when I get home…

Weird Dreams

Good Dream Bad DreamI had the most bizarre dream the other night.  I only remember vague details, but what I remember was bad enough.

In the dream, I was at work and there was a “thing” that I needed to hide from everyone.  A colleague had found out, but was in an accident that left him in a coma, and I was relieved that he hadn’t told anyone.  He started to heal (because in the dream, he had super-healing abilities, like Wolverine in X-Men) and, to stop my secret from being revealed, I cut off the top of his skull and adjusted his brain so that he wouldn’t remember.  He woke up and we were talking about the “thing” I was hiding, but he didn’t remember who did it.  I was so relieved, and also terrified that he would eventually remember.

Then, the scene changed and I was with a group of people standing on the roof of a large stadium arena.  An old school friend (who I hadn’t thought about for years) was there, and for some reason he knew about the “thing”, and that I was guilty.  I talked to him for a while and he then, to keep my secret, jumped off the roof of the stadium to the ground below and died.  I remember feeling happy that my secret was not going to be revealed – not sad that my friend had jumped, but happy for myself.

I woke up at that point and felt sick to my stomach about how cold and heartless I had been in the dream.  It took me a while to convince myself that it was only a dream.  I even looked my friend up on Facebook to find that he was okay.  (He is fine, BTW 🙂 )

I have been having vivid and disturbing dreams lately, and I think it is probably down to the work I am doing in therapy.  Therapy can be a wonderful, cathartic experience but it does tend to unearth some deep feelings that the brain has to work out.  I have old, deep, feelings of guilt, shame and fear that I have been dealing with lately so it is no surprise that these things are manifesting in my dreams.  I wasn’t going to blog about this, but I changed my mind because, well, screw it.  I am not afraid anymore to express my fears and anxiety and face rejection or judgement, thanks to a supportive family and good therapy.

If you do want to judge me, go ahead, enjoy yourself.  Oh, and also GFY! 🙂