Panic attack

how-stop-panic-attacks-step-stepYesterday was a mixed bag of a day.  I felt fine all day then, in the middle of the afternoon, I suddenly got a major anxiety attack.  I was sitting at my desk at work, not thinking about anything other than the computer code I was writing, when it hit me like a bolt of lightning.  I felt a sudden sense of panic, like I was in danger, and the urgent desire to run away and hide.  Remembering the training I got in therapy, I closed my eyes and focused on mindfulness, just being present in my own body.  After a few minutes or so, the panic attack stopped, but the low-level anxiety remained the rest of the day.

Feeling a lot better today, still don’t know what caused the attack, but I’m so grateful that I now have tools available to be able to wrestle control back.  Therapy has really helped me to deal with the depression and anxiety, and I am so glad that my family persuaded me to give it a shot.

Onwards and upwards…

Anxiety Dreams

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Lately, I have been having rather vivid, disturbing dreams centered on being rejected by those I love the most.  I know that this is coming from a place of post-therapy anxiety, and I know that they are not real, but I can’t help being affected by them.  My dreams have been mostly centered on my wife not wanting to be with me for one reason or another.  She avoids me more and more until I end up begging for her to be honest with me about how she feels.  She eventually admits that she doesn’t care about me and leaves me.

These are dreams, they are not reality (not even close) and I have a great relationship with my wife, but every time I wake up from one of these dreams I feel rejected and incredibly sad and depressed.  This morning I was able to “shake it off” and get up and go to work, but it was not easy.  I gave my wife a big hug before I left, which helped me feel more “connected”.  I am feeling full of anxiety this morning and I am hoping that I can get a grip on it – the last thing I want to do it have to leave work early again.

People that don’t have anxiety issues don’t really understand the impact that something like can have on your state of mind, which (for me) is a huge factor.  My anxiety makes me worry about things that probably won’t happen, it makes me feel like I can’t take any course of action because they all seem too difficult, or that they will all end badly.  When I have clear vivid dreams that literally show me those bad things happening, it multiplies the sense of dread that I feel by a factor of 10.

I think that today is a good day to use the “Upbeat” playlist that I have on my iPhone, focus on work and cuddle with my wife when I get home…