I haven’t written for a few weeks, mostly because I have been travelling but also because I have felt empty of words. We flew to England on 4/21, had my brother’s funeral on 4/24, flew back on 4/28, drove down to CA on 4/30, had Grandpa’s funeral on 5/1 then drove back 5/2. Phew, just typing it makes me tired. It has been a physically and emotionally exhausting month, and it had an affect on me. Yesterday, I had one of the worst depression days I have had in a long while. I ended up leaving work before noon, coming home and falling into the loving arms of my wife (who is fricking awesome, BTW). It is only the second time I’ve cried since I got the news about my brother (the first being during the funeral). I only cried a few tears yesterday, but the emotional outpouring was huge.
I woke this morning feeling somewhat better, with a determined attitude to do everything I can to not have a day like that again. I have contacted my doctor about reviewing my meds (he is trying an increase for now), scheduled my first counselling session and bought a fitbit flex, as part of my “get off your arse and lose weight” plan. I am also going to make an appointment to discuss getting a CPAP machine, as I had to stop using the mouth-guard for my sleep apnea, due to the pain it gives me.
I am treating yesterday as day 0, the end of a part of my life where I let things slip and allow myself to be at the mercy of my emotions and the start of a new era. I am drawing a line and moving on. Today is day 1 of the rest of my life, and I am only looking forward. Will I fail from time to time? Probably, but I have my family and friends and I will get up again.
To be continued…