Bad moon rising…

It has only been 4 days, but it feels like an eternity.  I got a call at work on Tuesday morning from my brother in the UK, which is in itself unusual as he normally calls me on the weekend.  I knew that something was wrong, then when he asked if I was sitting down I expected the worst.  I knew that something bad had happened (I was thinking, maybe one of my parents…?) but I wasn’t prepared for the news.  My eldest brother and my niece (his daughter-in-law) had both been found dead at home.  They were aged 52 and 41.

I (somehow) drove myself home safely and waited for a call back from my brother, who was waiting for the police to visit the house and give more details.  when he called back, he had very few details.  No obvious cause of death, no signs of foul play… no answers.  We will have to wait for a toxicology report to come back to get some more idea of how it happened, but it still won’t tell us why.  Why…such a small word, but such a vast question.  Right now, I feel…numb.  I don’t even know what to feel.  I had been estranged from my eldest brother for a while now, for reasons I won’t go into here.  I tried reaching out to him a year or so ago, but he didn’t respond.  Somehow, none of the reasons seem as important as they did.  Perspective can be a bitter pill when it comes too late…

That night we got another call.  My wife’s grandfather had passed away.  He had been ill for some time (leukemia), so this was not as big of a shock, but it still hit like a knife in the gut.  3 family members in the same day – it was brutal.  As I sat there attempting to comfort my weeping wife, I realized that I hadn’t cried, not a tear.  I know that people grieve differently, but I am normally able to cry.  Right now, I just can’t.  Maybe it is too soon, maybe my system is in survival mode, hanging on until a “safer” time to let go, maybe it is the Prozac.  Who knows.  I am feeling plenty of emotion, just no tears.

I can feel the bad wolf growling inside me, pacing back and forth, snarling and snapping, looking for a way out.  He is caged in, angry and wants out.  I need to stop feeding him, and allow the good wolf to take control.  I will persevere, I will get through, but right now I need to just deal with the internal struggle, and the wolf that wants to devour me.

He is loud.  His name is regret…


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