This post is hard to write, not because of the content, because of the circumstance. I have decided to not always wait till I am feeling “good” to blog, but to also document those other times. I am having a very bad depression day today – my brain is dredging up old pain and the bad wolf is lapping it up. I have been starting to address some shit from my past, and I think I might have worked loose some old emotional splinters, which are working their way out. For those of you who don’t know the old Cherokee parable about the two wolves, here it is:-
Two Wolves – a Cherokee Legend
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
This is a story that resonates deeply with me, as I have long felt that internal struggle. Some days the good wolf is strong and dominating, other times (like today) the bad wolf is ferocious and unrelenting. Writing this post today is an attempt to feed the right wolf, by not giving into the other one and standing my ground. I have an almost overwhelming desire right now to curl up in a ball under the covers and not come out till tomorrow. It feels like I have been swallowed whole by the bad wolf and I am sinking deeper into its inky blackness.
Well… fuck that! I am NOT going to give into it, I am NOT going to be controlled by my anger and resentment, I am NOT going to just roll over. The bad wolf is a part of me, sometimes he is a necessary part and can fuel me into positive action, but I WILL TAME HIM. For each day like today, there are others where I am positive and full of hope. I need to seize those days with both hands and squeeze every ounce of joy out of them.
Just writing this is making me feel a little better. To my friends:- I don’t assume that you are reading this (I hope you are), but it still feels like I am somehow connecting to you all. There is strength in numbers, and I am mentally gathering you around me today.
Once more unto the breach dear friends, once more…